A trip to Balung River, Tawau Sabah

And yesterday, we made the decision to go to Balung River. She suggested to me and I just... agreed with it. No question ask. I agreed with it thinking that I could use this chance to practice making videos using my new Glidecam. The video was completed recently, here.

Supposedly, we'll be going for breakfast at 7am, and then immediately shoot to Balung River after that. We ended up getting our breakfast sometime around 7.30am and shoot to the river around 7.51am. Welp. A little bit late...? From the area around Kubota Square, the drive took about 40 minutes to reach our destination.

The entrance fee was RM3.50. You'd have to pay at the entrance gate, on your right side.

Fortunate enough! We were literally the first one to arrive there! The place was still empty and there is no human pollution! ... yet. But still! I managed to get some good footage before a few other people started to come by.

Balung river was pretty nice. I can agree that the place was beautiful. I was in awe as we crossed the bridge to get to the other side.There was also a swimming pool there; the entrance fee is RM5 for adult and RM3 (if I'm not mistaken) for children. So you'd have a choice, whether you want to have a soak in the swimming pool or at the river down below. I, myself, prefer the river. Nature all the waaaaaaay!

My friend brought along a change of cloth since she really have a mind to do some swimming. Me? I didn't really think I'm going to swim, so... In the end, I did go in the river, but just to get some footage of the river. I'd went in up to my ankle only, haha. There are restrooms there where you can change your clothes. From outside, the restroom look kind of... ancient. Erm. If you're early, then you didn't have to worry since you'd be able to be the first one to use it... ?

I guess, the place was popular after all. As the sun started to reach even higher, and we were getting even closer to noon, more people started to fill out the place. By then, I already finished taking some videos and my friend already had a little swimming in the river, so all was well.

I noticed there was a barbeque place there. There was also a camping site at the other side. I didn't really stroll to the camping site, which now that I think about it, was a loss. I really need to start minimizing my regrets. Think about your life and try to remember... how many regrets have you collect? The things that you regret because you just didn't TRY. That's what I'm trying yo minimize. I'm rational enough to understand that I can't eliminate it once for all though, haha.

For food, you can bring your own or you can buy some there. It appears that they do sell some food; fried food, canned drinks, ABC, etc. I didn't buy any and I didn't bring any. My friend had thoughtfully brought some food, haha! I'm a parasite. orz

Ranting like a brat that I am

Okay, sudah berhabuk habis blog aku ni. Mari kita kembali kepada menulis! Ayuh, asah kembali otak yang aku rasa semakin lama semakin mahu mereput ni!
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A little bit disappointed. A great feeling of being mistreated. Felt like I'm not being appreciated much. And thus these feelings bring me back to this platform. Let's give a silent shout-out here. I'm being a brat, but I supposed it had been long overdue. I am human after all.

I have dreams. I have my interests and tendencies. I have these things that I prefer to pursue. But I put it all aside in the name of a compromise. But as I looked back, I found out I didn't really tossed them all away. They exist as some little addition, here and there, from my secondary school period, all the way to my university's life.
I took art as one of my SPM subject.
I joined a video competition in my college life. I'd even made a music video using all these pictures I took during that period.
I took these art-related curriculum for my university's points; calligraphy art and painting class.
I joined these graphic departments for my school's cultural activities.

I still do, apparently, desire these... interests of mine. And now, I found out I wanted to pursue them so SO badly. I even invested some huge amount of money recently to dive deeper into this creative side of me. Let it all begin. I shall stop being afraid. I need to start.

I am tired of doing what others expect of me. Let me have what I want, now. As long as I do not put aside what Allah expects of me, I want to do my best by doing what I love more. I wish my being busy with this new pursue of mine, that I'd be able to leave any sinful things away from me.

Back to the reason why I'm returning. I wonder how they see me, really? I felt like a stone. Like... like these great, big things that I managed and achieved doesn't mean a thing. Why do I desire attention from humans so much? I am... apathetic. That's what I believe. I had BECOME apathetic, is really what happen. I wonder if that's the consequences of this... unfair amount of... attention? that was given. Probably.
You learn, then, that your reason for doing should only be for ONE. Should always be only for ONE. And once you stray, you feel it. Deeply.

Bersihkan niat. Bersihkan niat.
Ke mana hala tuju, tanya kembali pada diri. Ke mana... hala tuju?

To Japan

もうゆめじゃない。

さんしまいのたびははじまる。


Eventhough the things i'm searching for had change, in a way, i'm still happy to be given this opportunity to travel and experience other culture.
All praises be to Allah S.W.T. , the one and only God.

Dinding, lukisan, dan aku.

Aku bergerak ke belakang.
Memang selalunya kaki akan melangkah ke situ dengan pantas apabila enter this laboratory, sambil tangan lincah menyarungkan labcoat ke badan. Tandatangan diturunkan ke atas kertas kedatangan, eyes flickered uneasily registering the names of my group mates for the experiment that day. Dicapainya kunci locker untuk bahan experiment dan terus melangkah to the assigned table. Efficient, fuh...

I am... less fond... of this group members compared to my other group members (We have different groupings for different courses with lab assignments). Why? Because we're all so much alike, in regards to doing experiment anyway. A bunch of empty-heads. *snorted* It's a good thing we're a team then, because that way it gives me great pressure to be responsible  and to be less of a... useless person.

Hati berdegup. Closed to my assigned table, sit a male colleague. Don't be alarm though, bukan 'suka' dia begitu... Just that I don't really like to interact or even be within close proximity with the opposite gender (it's fine if there's a good reason for the interaction, of course.). Opposite attracts, they say. Tanpa berfikir panjang, my voice came out, "Mmg group ko kat meja sini or ko saje... ?"

"Eh, tak..." Pandang aku.

"Oh, ok, haha." Using the key, I opened the drawer. Group mates of mine, none has arrived yet. What is it with people nowadays? Don't know the meaning of puntuality anymore? Some laa... not all.

"Hey, xxx..." Nama aku dipanggil penuh. Aku suka. Suatu masa dahulu, dia antara yang panggil nama panggilan aku dengan cara yang salah, urk. Tapi, aku rasa la, sebab I made it a point to call HIM with his full name instead of any nama panggilan orang lain kasi, I noticed he started to do the same with me.

Aku berhenti fiddling with the apparatus and looked at him questioningly.

"Aku nak ajak ko ni. Tau tak street arts... ?"

Tahu! Apasal pula tak tahu, aku yang proclaim diri sendiri 'orang seni' ni mana mungkin tak tahu. In fact! Dah lama mengidam nak melibatkan diri dengan benda tu. Back in secondary school, I envy a friend of mine who had had the experience to draw a mural... for the school!

Back to the story though, and to cut to the chase, he invited me to join him in doing mural for our faculty.
Wahlaowei!! Mahu sangaaaaaaaaaat.

For the first time in my life, aku hasilkan sebuah lukisan mural.
But I'm not satisfied with it though, rasa macam boleh buat lagi baik...

xxxxxxx

Kalau korang ada dengar khabar angin dari sesiapa kan, tolonglah jangan terus percaya bulat-bulat.
Soal selidik dulu. Betul atau pun tidak benda yang kita dengar itu, confirmkan dulu... sebab benda itu boleh jadi rekaan oleh si mulut murai penyampai semata-mata.
Well, ya laaa, kita tidak tahu niat seseorang itu apabila dia berbicara, good or bad.

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Jika datang kepada kamu seorang fasik membawa sesuatu berita, maka selidikilah (untuk menentukan) kebenarannya, supaya kamu tidak menimpakan sesuatu kaum dengan perkara yang tidak diingini - dengan sebab kejahilan kamu (mengenainya) - sehingga menjadikan kamu menyesali apa yang kamu telah lakukan."
-Surah Al-Hujurat [49:6]

Aku future pharmacist, dia senior doctor.

Future pharmacist! Aku! InsyaAllah...

-XXX-

Apabila seseorang itu sakit, memang banyak benda yang tidak mampu dilakukan compared to when you're healthy. Aku sudah tahu itu, tapi memang aku ini manusia yang lemah dan sering leka. Akhirnya, aku lupa dan lalai. Sekarang sudah jatuh sakit, rasakan lah penangannya! 

Astaghfirullah... Allah Yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang. Aku yang masih tidak dapat jauhkan diri sepenuhnya daripada dosa, masih lagi Engkau berikan nikmatMu yang tidak terkira. Subhanallah...
Memang patut pun aku sakit. Hadis Rasulullah s.a.w menjadi penenang dan penyebab aku bersabar; 

“Tidak seorang muslim pun yang ditimpa keletihan, penyakit, susah hati, sedih, disakiti orang dan derita sehingga jika sebatang duri menikamnya kecuali Allah memadamkan dengan itu semua dosanya.” (Riwayat al-Bukhari)

-XXX- 

Dia bagi paracetamol (selalu dikenali dengan nama brand Panadol). Oh, okay, aku tahu. Ini untuk demam aku. Paracetamol ini pain-killer sebenarnya. Jadi nya, diberi ubat ini kerana tidak mahu sakit kepala. 

Harus ambil 2 biji, 3 kali sehari. 2 biji sebab aku ini kan adult, hoho. 3 kali sehari maknanya pukul 6 pagi, 2 petang dan 10 malam. 6 pagi itu first time aku mengadu aku demam sebenarnya, time bangun mahu siap-siap solat Subuh. 

Kemudian, diberi pula antibiotic (senang cerita, antibiotic ini ubat untuk bunuh kuman. Bacteria.). Antibiotic ada banyak, yang aku dapat amoxycillin. Boleh sahaja kalau aku mahu merapu apa yang aku belajar tentang ubat ini disini, tapi tidak perlu lah yerk. Apa yang bagus tentang amoxycillin ini compared to datuk nenek dia ialah ia dapat tahan dalam perut kita, maknanya ia tidak rosak sebelum menjalankan tugasnya membunuh kuman. 

So, aku pun become --> 'Aik?? Kenapa pula?' Gumam dalam hati sahaja. Fikir punya fikir, ha!! baru tahu... Sebab tekak aku sakit, itu la fasal diberi antibiotic. Mahu confirm la katakan, aku direct tanya je;

"Augmentin ni sebab tekak sakit ek?" (Augmentin nama brand ubat itu.)

"Ha, ya lah. Sebab sudah tahu kalau tekak merah macam itu, memang ada kuman. Ada buat experiment sendiri sebelum ni..." Sampai sini aku sudah terpegun kagum. Dalam hati sudah bergolak-golak soalan mahu tahu macam mana pula dia boleh buat experiment sendiri-sendiri di hospital umum pula ni. Tidak perlu tanya dia sudah pun jelaskan, katanya dia perhatikan warna merah tekak pesakit dan kemudian hantar blood culture untuk di'test' ada or tidak ada kuman. 

"Ooo, merah tu ada lain-lain ek?"

"Ya." Senyum doktor tu. 

So, dia associatekan tahap warna merah tekak orang itu dengan the presence of bacteria. Cool. Agaknya, inilah perbezaan antara junior doctor and senior doctor. 

Aku sendiri memang sudah agak aku ada jangkitan kuman sebenarnya. Macam ini, kalau hingus dan kahak korang berlendir warna hijau, itu memang tanda adanya kuman. Beware!

Malamnya, keadaan aku tidak ada perkembangan nampaknya. Check suhu badan, 38 degree celcius! aiyoyo... padan pun rasa macam dalam peti ais sahaja aku ini. 

Doktor pun isytihar aku kena tambah makan satu lagi antibiotic. Dia letak papan pil ubat baru itu sebelah aku dan aku dengan lajunya terjerit kecil (excited la katakan, ubat yang aku kenal.), "Erythromycin!"

Tapi dalam hati tertanya sendiri, betul ke erythromycin... ? Macam something wrong je...

Beberapa minit kemudian, puas duduk tenung ubat itu baru lah perasan... Azithromycin daaaaaa... Memang laaaaa. Erythromycin, kalau aku ingat betul-betul, sudah bukan ubat pilihan. Cucu dia, Azithromycin pula digunakan sebab lagi bagus dari segi efficacy dan side effects. Itu la, mahu poyo sangat, lol.

So, ubat ini diambil 2 biji sekali sahaja sehari. Hm-hm-hmmmmmm~

-XXX-

Bagaimana yerk future aku nanti... ? Tak, aku tak maksudkan kerja aku sahaja... aku maksudkan dari segi rohani sekali. Sesungguhnya Jannah itu idaman aku... Allahu rabbi...

Penulisanku hancusss kerana tgh sakit, wawawa...

You are loved.

I am loved. 

Sometimes I forget that, unfortunately. If I give myself just a little time to sit down and really think, I realize... I am loved. There are people out there who do care about me. Unlike what I always thought. 

I cried tonight. 

As I think about them, I cried. How could I not see? The words from a dear person came back to me, making the tears flow even more faster. She had asked me once before, 

"Do you remember? You used to ask me why I'm always so nice towards you?"

I was intrigued, so badly, when she said that. I'd asked her, 

"Why?" 

Because I did forgot. Her answer strikes my core. 

"Because Allah loves you." 

Wallahu'alam. I wished, I really really wished it's true. Subhanallah... 

Who wouldn't want to be loved by their own Creator??

I almost cried that day. I cried now though. 

I was packing. I went through all of my stuff to sort them all nice and neat. That was when I found all these pieces, left here and there by them. Pieces of their love towards me. Yes, the feelings can be in varying degree from each one of them, yet the fact that they did thought of me, even a little, is enough.

There's a book... that same dear person had let me borrowed it for a bit, not a long time ago. A book written by our own Muslim scholar. He did mentioned something along the line of 

'When you love/care about so-and-so, then tell them.' 

Tell them. Say it. Don't hide it. 

By Allah, I had the experience of being on the receiving end of such confession and the feeling is indescribable! Until today, even with her flaws -she's still human after all-, the only thing I always remember of her is of her kindness. The words that come out from my mouth when describing her had been positive almost every time if not already every single time! If she said she's being nice towards me because Allah loves me, then for sure I can say the same towards her. Subhanallah...

I know of other people whom the only thing I can think of is their faults and I'd have to consciously shut my mouth, very tightly!, afraid that I might end up bad mouthing them... and that is so not allowed.

I'm sure... you are loved as well. 

Have you tried it? Sit down and ponder? If you can't think of anyone, then let it be known, as long as you're a Muslim then you are loved. 

I love you. 

Do I really? Of course. After all, I always prayed for you minimum 5 times a day. 

Each time twice I mentioned you. 

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكَ أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكاَتُهُ السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْنَا وَعَلَى عِبَادِ اللهِ الصَّالِحِيْنَ 

Sejahtera atas engkau wahai Nabi dan rahmat Allah serta keberkatannya.

Sejahtera ke atas kami dan atas hamba-hamba Allah yang soleh.

And I'm not the only one.

Mencari hati, mencari jiwa

أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم

 "Sudah khatam al-Quran ya?"

"Banyak kali dah."

"So... dah faham sesungguhnya lah isi al-Quran tu?"

"..."

########

Aku cari dan cari. Hati aku berdegup sedikit kencang each time.

I wanna find it... I wanna find it... Lead me to them, lead me... oh please, I wanna find it...

I'm weird like that. Perasaan yang tidak dapat aku terangkan dengan mudah. Seperti menginginkan sesuatu dengan sepenuh jiwa dan raga, but I don't know sesuatu itu!

Sabar... Sabar... Tinggalkan, mungkin bukan di sini, mungkin bukan pada masa ini. Sabar...

Aku berikan diriku sendiri sedikit masa. Go with my life as per usual. It will come, I believe.

Lead me to it, Ya Allah, for You know best!  

########

Hati resah. Gelisah. Tidak tenteram. Kembali kepada Tuhan, kembali kepada Pencipta. Ku hadap al-Quran yang indah itu.

Your body needs food to survive. What of your heart... ?

Oh ku hadap al-Quran itu. Alhamdulillah, hati tenang.

########

Orang kata "hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seribu dalih". Oh how it rings true to me at that time. Badan yang letih, sakit dan tidak bermaya digagahkan juga untuk bangun dan pergi ke padang itu. Panas terik, peluh menitis tanpa henti, langsung tidak diendah. Practise and practise and practise... Fuh, puas.

Teringat kata-kata sahabat, a new information for me, Subhanallah...
"Rasulullah s.a.w. suka orang yang belajar memanah, swimming, and horse-riding!" Go ahead and say i'm paranoid, but i'm the type of person who like to make sure it's true, opps. Saudara ni punya entry sgt membantu: click!

Oh! Mungkin dapat aku jadi pejuang Islam dengan kemahiran ini! Jangan putus asa! 

Tik. Tok. Tik. Tok.
Time for class is approaching. Hilang minat. Tapi bergerak juga, menuju sana. On the way, change direction. Tak sanggup! Rasa letih yang meluap-luap! Calls dan messages tidak dibalas, semangat semakin surut.

Singgah sebentar, tunggu lagi reply with very small hope. Terpacul muka yang dikenali.

"Hey!" Senyum.
Tangan dijabat, terpaku sebentar; why not? pipi berlaga mesra.

"Kedai akak ke?" Kagum. Suka melihat mereka sepertinya, sejuk hati. Tudung labuh, mesra... Berbicara agama, mudah!

"Ya." Senyum.

Ku belek-belek buku, Alhamdulillah jumpa beberapa yang kena dihati.

"Tiada duit kecil, pecahkan dulu. Tu, kedai depan tu." Senyum nakal.

"Akak! Suruh habiskan duit pula... Takpe, akak nak air? Saya belanja?" Kemurahan hati, sikap yang diajarkan kepadaku oleh seorang muslimah yang hebat! Alhamdulillah. Good deeds yang dilakukan, hanya berharapkan ganjaran daripada Allah! Sesungguhnya, nikmat Allah itu tidak dapat dikira langsung, Masyaallah...

Dari membeli buku, berbual tentang bisnes. Minta tips, dia cuba jawab dengan sebaiknya. Dari bussiness-speaking, dijemput duduk -sementara dia pergi melayan customer lain-. Kelas yang beberapa minit telah bermula, was ignored. Well, messages and calls were not answered, so... Ehem, ehem! Excuses~

Hari semakin cerah, customers semakin ramai, dilihat kakak itu seorang diri cuba memenuhi panggilan pelanggan. Aku bangun membantu, dibekalkan pengalaman part-time shoe's promoter, ku jadi sukarelawan-penjual buku. Congak harga buku dengan penuh yakin -tidak mahu tewas dengan parents yang always awesome dalam mencongak!-.
Seronok. Buku-buku itu, buku-buku agama. Botol-botol itu, berisi air bacaan 30 juzu'. Herba-herba itu, herba-herba yang cuba mengikut hadis Rasulullah s.a.w.; habbatus sawda'... madu... kismis!



Pak cik datang, bertanyakan perfume for men. 'Wow! Pak cik pakai perfume, mengamalkan sunnah Rasulullah!' getus hati, riang. Hadis for this fact here: Click! Credit to saudari ni.

"For men... This one, or this one... this one..." kakak jawab, perwatakan berubah dari sedikit nakal kepada professional, pantas.

Dicium bau perfume itu satu per satu. Aku perhati dengan penuh minat. Mungkinkah dia pilih yang itu? Mungkinkah dia akan beli at all? Take that one up, put it down and take another, put that one down and take back the 1st one... again and again and again. Pak Cik... nak beli tak?

"I'm confused..." He smiled reluctantly. Biji mata membesar, aku tertawa kecil disebelah. My silent question was answered! 





He bought one. 






Muka yang dikenali singgah. Alamak.

"Takde kelas ke?" Tanya dengan penuh harapan, hoping that perhaps I was not skipping any class.

"Ngantuk, keluar sekejap. Kau takde kelas ke?" Kelas aku = kelas dia. Kantoi. Kakak sebelah sengih mengerti.

Aku terpandang dia, bertentang mata sejenak. Ku palingkan muka perlahan-lahan. Ouch, another one.

"Kelas... dah habis ke?" Senyum kantoi.

"... Part-time ke?"

"Aaa... part-time." Ignore dia, pergi layan customer.

########

"Why do you like to play truant?"

Ouch. Bagaikan penampar. But feels like laughing. Laughing, hard. That question, a question I ask myself more than once. Bagaikan diuji olehNya apabila soalan yang bermain di fikiran disuarakan dengan jelas lagi terang oleh orang lain.

Suka? No, aku tidak akan guna ayat itu untuk describe my behaviour. It's not 'like' when your heart rebels with that action, no?

Ku lontarkan soalan, dengan penuh harapan aku akan tewas dengan kata-kata yang bernas. Hampa. Jawapan yang diberinya ku bidas laju, tegas.  I said I ask myself this question more than once, didn't I? And I actually have my own answers, but who needs to know?

But thank you. At least you showed that you care. 

Aku tahu saling menasihati itu penting.
Islam begitu mementingkan persoalan memberi peringatan dan nasihat, tanpanya manusia akan leka. Yang ni ak cedok dari penulisan al-Haqir Hamizan Hussin, Mengapa Hati Terhijab.



Aku balik malam itu with something to think about. Aku gagal lagi kali ini, tapi tidak apa, akan aku tewaskan juga masalah sosial yang satu ni. Memang benar apabila they said that the hardest enemy is yourself. Well.

I would say...

Nobody knows your problem and your struggle, don't let them discourage you... you'll continue to fight for the right, because you know... Allah is with you.